To The Beat Of Your Heart
by madeleine68
Summary: Olivia wants something deeper than friendship with Alex. Will Alex feel the same way? Will she be able to trust Olivia enough to let her in? Will they be able to build a life together?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. Dick Wolf owns it all.**

**This idea has been kicking around in my head for a while. It gets a little bit dark in later chapters, so here's fair warning if that's not your thing. And A/O, of course. This takes place around season three. Enjoy!**

Olivia knocked on Alex's office door around 6:00 on a Tuesday night. She needed Alex to secure a search warrant for the suspect in a rape investigation, and she hoped she would also be able to muster the courage to ask Alex out for dinner as more than just friends. The two of them were close already – their friendship had developed naturally simply because they were the only women in a male-dominated field. But Olivia had had feelings for Alex from the moment she'd laid eyes on her, and they had only grown from there. Not only was Alex the most beautiful woman she had ever met, she was also brilliant and brave and confident and witty and infuriatingly ethical. They had spent many evenings sitting on Olivia's couch, just talking. Rarely about the personal – neither woman was very candid about her personal life. But they had spent hours debating politics or talking about movies or books or world issues. Olivia loved their conversations, and she especially loved the fire that shone in Alex's eyes when she was passionate about something. Olivia could only dream that someday, Alex would be passionate about her.

She had caught glimpses behind Alex's usually aloof façade that Alex might be interested in more than just friendship, but Alex quickly masked any emotion before Olivia could make sense of it. She hoped that her brazenness today would settle things once and for all. If Alex was interested, then they could hopefully take their relationship to the next level soon. If not, she would at least know to stop pining after her friend.

Like that would be an easy task.

When she heard Alex call, "Come in," Olivia opened her office door and went inside. She strode to just in front of Alex's desk, trying to keep her nervousness out of her stance and trying not to let her hands quiver. "Alex," she said, then cleared her throat and started again, cursing the slight tremor in her voice. "Alex, we need a search warrant for Donovan's apartment. Elliot and I think he's got some pictures of himself and the girls he molested hidden there." She frowned slightly at Alex's unfocused gaze and the tapping of her index and middle fingers on her desk. This wasn't like their cool and collected ADA at all. "Alex?"

Alex snapped to attention. "Probable cause?"

"Daniel says he likes to take pictures. Fancies himself an amateur photographer, the son of a bitch."

"We're going to need more than that, Detective."

Olivia sighed. "Alex, we need your help here. We need to keep him away from those girls."

"Neither of which is any reason for a judge to sign off on a warrant. You know that." Alex's fingers began tapping more rapidly against her desk.

"Alex, are you okay?"

"What? Oh, I'm fine. It's nothing."

Abandoning both of her pretences for being in Alex's office, Olivia sat down in the chair across from their ADA. "What's wrong?"

"Don't concern yourself, Detective. I'm fine."

"Alex, you're not fine. They didn't make me detective for nothing, you know. Talk to me."

Alex sighed. "My mother passed away this morning."

"Oh, Alex, I'm so sorry." Olivia was at a loss for a moment, unsure quite what to say. She had come here because she had wanted to ask Alex on a date, but now obviously was not an appropriate time for that. "You shouldn't be here. You should be with family."

"Olivia, I said not to concern yourself. I'm driving up to East Amherst this evening. The funeral's tomorrow."

"Alex, you're my friend. Of course I'm concerned." She reflected briefly on the conversations she and Alex had shared in the past. Alex had never mentioned her mother. "Were you close?"

"No."

Olivia paused, waiting for Alex to elaborate, but when it was clear that more information would not be forthcoming, she said, her words rushed and impulsive, "Would you like me to come up there with you?" Realizing how that sounded, she tried to backpedal. "You're my friend, Alex, and I care about you a lot. You shouldn't be alone at a time like this. And it's a long drive."

"Thank you for your concern, Detective, but as I said, I will be fine."

Olivia took a moment to look at Alex – really look at her. Alex looked downright exhausted. Her eyelids were drooping, her skin was paler than usual, and her hair was starting to come loose from her tight chignon. Deciding that Alex was in no shape for the seven hour drive to East Amherst, she persisted. "Alex, you know you're in no shape to drive tonight. I'll drive you. I won't stay with you if you don't want me to, but you're not safe to drive by yourself right now."

Olivia had expected more of a fight, and was therefore surprised at Alex's soft, resigned, "Fine."

She recovered quickly, however. "My car or yours?"

"Yours is fine."

"Great. You can finish up your paperwork and I'll meet you by my car in twenty minutes."

Alex nodded slightly, which Olivia took as her acquiescence. She got up and left Alex's office, closing the door behind her.

She tried not to let her heart race in anticipation of spending seven hours in her car with Alex Cabot. Alex was grieving right now, and it would be dishonorable to take advantage of that in any way shape or form. But still, Olivia allowed herself a glimmer of hope. Perhaps she would get to know Alex better personally, and perhaps she would find in herself the courage to ask her out on a date. And maybe, just maybe, Alex would be receptive.

* * *

Alex met Olivia at her car exactly twenty minutes later. She had an overnight bag slung over her shoulder and an unreadable expression on her face. She got into the passenger seat without a word and rebuffed Olivia's attempts to make conversation, answering her questions with clipped, one-word answers until Olivia took the hint and lapsed into silence.

Alex spent the majority of the ride staring out the window with her lips pursed, her spine rigid, and her hands clasped tightly in her lap. Olivia had expected her to fall asleep on the long ride, but she remained alert, although lost in her own world.

They stopped twice for coffee. When Olivia asked Alex if she wanted any, all she received in reply was a shake of Alex's head. She longed for Alex to open up to her, but she knew that wasn't Alex's nature. Even getting Alex to discuss benign movie characters or novels had not been an easy feat, so she knew she would have to wait this out, hope that Alex would see that Olivia cared about her and was there for her, and would eventually come to her to talk. Olivia hated seeing Alex in pain, and she wished there was something she could do to ease it. She hoped her presence was doing some good, although it was hard to tell.

Finally, they reached East Amherst around 1:30 in the morning. "Where are we going? Are you staying with relatives?" Olivia asked.

Alex tersely shook her head. "To a hotel. We're staying at the Hilton. I booked a room." She gave Olivia directions, and several minutes later they arrived at the Hilton. "I booked a room with a queen-sized bed. I didn't realize I'd be having company. I'll try to get it changed to two doubles."

Olivia found herself hoping that they couldn't change the room so she would have to share the bed with Alex, then immediately banished the thought. _Get a grip, Benson. You're here for her mother's funeral._

To Olivia's disappointment, the staff at the hotel were able to change their room to one with two double beds. She perked up, though, when she realized she would still be sharing a bedroom with Alex, which was good enough.

Alex was silent as they made their way to their room. Olivia offered her the washroom first, and by the time she had brushed her teeth, washed her face, and changed into the tank top and sweatpants she kept at work for the gym, Alex was already in bed, tucked beneath the covers. The scene was so domestic and endearing that Olivia felt her heart constrict, and she had to remind herself that this situation was far from usual, that Alex was her colleague and her friend, nothing more.

"Are you doing okay, Alex?" Olivia asked as she got into her bed.

"Yes."

"If you want to talk, you know I'm here, no matter what."

"I know."

Olivia sighed. It was late. Alex was probably tired, and she clearly wasn't interested in talking right now. "Goodnight," she said instead. "Sleep well, Alex." She reached over to switch off the light.

"Goodnight, Liv," Alex murmured.

**Reviews make my day. **** Just saying.**


	2. Chapter 2

When Alex woke up in the morning, she was just as withdrawn as she'd been the night before. She showered, dressed, and got ready for the day without a word to Olivia, and only spoke to tell her that the funeral was at 1:00.

"Would you like to come down for breakfast or should I bring you up something? Or we could order room service," Olivia said.

Alex shrugged. "It doesn't matter. I'm not really hungry."

"I think they have a brunch buffet. You can come down and keep me company." Olivia winced at how cheesy that sounded. "I mean, maybe you'll see something you like." Oh, that was worse. "Or we could just stay here and get room service."

Alex nodded slightly. "That's fine."

Olivia rummaged around in the desk drawer for a room service menu. "Are you sure you don't want anything?" she asked, leafing through the book.

Alex nodded again, sitting down on her bed, pressing the pillows up against the headboard, and leaning against them.

Olivia placed an order for herself and perched on the edge of her own bed. She really wanted to sit beside Alex and maybe even wrap an arm around her, but she wasn't sure the touch would be welcomed. But Alex looked so despondent that Olivia longed to reach out to her and comfort her as best she could.

Instead she folded her hands in her lap. "Tell me about your mother," she said.

Alex's eyes darted up to meet hers. "We weren't close."

Her laconic tone made it clear that she didn't want to discuss it further, so Olivia didn't press. "Do you have any other family here? Siblings?" Olivia realized how little she actually knew about their enigmatic ADA. Though they had spent hours discussing and debating on her couch, she didn't even know if Alex had siblings.

"Half-siblings. Much younger than me. I barely know them."

Olivia was impressed with the amount of information Alex had just volunteered. "Alex, is there anything I can do for you?"

Alex's eyes, which had darkened for just a moment, returned to their glacial hue. "No." She crossed her legs, keeping her back perfectly straight and resting her hands in her lap. "I really don't feel like talking, Olivia."

Olivia felt her heart constrict at Alex's curtness. "Okay, sweetheart. I'm sorry."

Alex's head snapped up, her eyes boring into Olivia's. "Don't."

Olivia reflected on what she'd just said. "Oh, my God, Alex. I'm sorry – I didn't mean –"

Alex sighed, her shoulders hunching. "It's fine. Don't worry about it." She glanced at the clock. "We should get going."

Olivia cleared her throat. "Right."

They walked down to Olivia's car in silence. Olivia hardly dared to speak after slipping up and calling Alex "sweetheart". Her heart sank when she realized the sentiment was unwelcome and that Alex obviously didn't feel the same way she did. But she was here as a friend, because Alex was going through a tough time and needed someone to be there for her. Regardless of her romantic interest in Alex, Olivia wasn't going to abandon her now.

When they reached the church where the funeral was being held, Alex walked straight inside without pausing to speak to any of the relatives congregated outside the church's doors. She made a beeline for the last pew, but something caught her eye. A photograph.

Olivia looked carefully at it. There were two small children, the girl about two years old and the boy just an infant, in the frame. The boy was cradled in a woman's arms. Her icy blue eyes were the spitting image of Alex's, so Olivia knew this must be her mother. A man sat beside her, with the little girl clinging to his neck and grinning. The girl had blonde hair and blue eyes just like Alex and her mother. Alex, who looked to be a young teenager, stood slightly behind them, between the man and the woman. Her expression was somber, unlike the rest of the family, who were beaming. "Is that your father?" Olivia asked her.

Alex's spine went rigid. "No." She turned away from the photograph. "Come on." She led Olivia to the last pew, sandwiching herself between the corner and Olivia.

Olivia noticed the slight quivering of her hands, but chose not to comment, figuring she had overstepped her boundaries enough for one day.

The pews were almost completely full by the time the priest began the service, but tucked away in the back corner, no one noticed Alex. Olivia presumed she wanted it that way.

She barely paid attention during the service, focussed completely on Alex. Alex said stiffly, her hands clasped in her lap, her eyes glued to the priest. When people began stepping up to the podium to give eulogies, Alex gritted her teeth. Olivia knew better than to ask what was wrong or if she could help.

Alex inhaled sharply when a young woman with striking blue eyes and blonde hair just like hers stepped onto the rostrum. "My mother," the young woman said, "was a great woman. She meant the world to myself, my brother, and my father, may he rest in peace. Throughout my entire life, she was there for me, from scraped knees when I was tiny to breakups with various boyfriends when I was a teenager. She advised me, supported me, and loved me unconditionally." The woman wiped at the moisture in her eyes. "My mother was the kind of woman everyone loved. She taught me how to behave decorously in society, but more than that, she taught me how to be a good person. She taught me etiquette, but she also taught me to lend a helping hand to others. She is the reason I volunteer at an animal shelter and at a food bank collecting cans for the poor. She is the reason I went to medical school, because she always believed in me and told me I could be anything I wanted to be. She was my mother and I love her more than anything else in the world. She always protected me, always took care of me . . ."

Olivia started as she felt Alex slip her hand into hers. She didn't dare move a muscle for several long moments. Alex's hand was soft and warm and fit so perfectly into Olivia's, like it was meant to be there.

Olivia felt Alex start to yank her hand away and looked up, seeing Alex's widened, panicked eyes. She smiled gently, hoping to reassure her, and gave Alex's hand a squeeze. "It's okay," she whispered.

Alex's eyelashes lowered and she sighed, squeezing Olivia's hand back. "I think I want to go," she said quietly.

Olivia nodded. "Then we'll go."

"I'm sorry for dragging you all the way out here for nothing."

"It wasn't nothing. This is about you, Alex. She's your mother. If you want to leave, we'll leave."

Alex nodded, gratitude shining in her eyes. "Thank you."

Olivia smiled slightly. "Anytime, Alex."

Alex didn't let go of Olivia's hand as they got up and exited the church. As Alex stepped outside, however, she was greeted by a young man with dark hair, but piercing blue eyes like hers. "Alexandra," he said, "I didn't think you'd be here today." His gaze dropped to her hand, which was still intertwined with Olivia's. "And you've brought your dyke lover, I see."

Alex instinctively pulled her hand out of Olivia's. "She is my mother too, regardless of what you might think, Adam."

"You gave up that right years ago, Alexandra. Where were you when she was in the hospital dying breath by painstaking breath of cancer? Katherine and I were with her every day. We sat with her. We spoke with her. We comforted her. But you didn't show your face, not once."

Alex inhaled a shuddering breath. "She didn't want me there, Adam. You know that."

"Of course she didn't. You're crazy and you're a liar and a _dyke _to top all that off. You were the bane of her existence. She had to put you –"

Olivia stepped in front of Alex, giving Adam a hard stare and cutting him off. "Alex, I think it's time to go. Come on."

Alex followed Olivia mutely to the car. Her entire body shook, but she did not make a sound as she climbed into the passenger seat. She tried to buckle her seatbelt, but her hands were convulsing too severely.

Olivia glanced at her and noticed she was having trouble. "Here, let me," she said, reaching over to do up Alex's seatbelt for her. Her hand brushed against Alex's as she did so, and Olivia nearly sighed at the feel of Alex's soft skin against hers.

Alex's eyelids drooped and her shoulders hunched. She did not speak to Olivia for the rest of the ride back to the hotel. When they arrived, all she said was, "Stay here. I'll go get our things and be back in a few minutes. We're going home."

**Thanks to **_**McJoJo, Eljh55, rasaaabe, AIOILove, tattoo me1969, betterthanbefore, peterpeter, Alladin-Sane-X, Bkwrmchar, ThePartyAfterYouLeft, **_**and all my anons for your reviews. Y'all inspire me to write more. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Feedback is love. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

Alex was silent for the rest of the ride until they reached the city limits. "Olivia," she said, startling Olivia out of her thoughts and causing the detective to glance toward her, "will you drop me at Crescent and Jamaica instead of at the DA's office?"

"In Brooklyn?"

Alex nodded. "I'll take a cab back."

"How come?" Olivia was careful to keep her tone light, not wanting to upset Alex after what had been a hard day. It was nearly 10:00 in the evening and it was raining outside, so there was no way she was leaving Alex alone even if Alex asked her to.

Alex pinned Olivia with her signature icy glare. "Olivia, it's not your concern. I said I will take a cab back. Thank you for your company and for the ride. I will see myself home."

Olivia hated the formal tone Alex was using with her. She longed for Alex to let down her guard, just a little, just enough for Olivia to penetrate the layers she'd erected to protect herself, just enough for Olivia to show her that she could trust her. "Alex, it's late –"

"Olivia, I can take care of myself."

Olivia sighed. Fighting with Alex made her heart ache, especially now that she knew Alex didn't and could never feel the same way about her. "Alright," she said quietly. "I'll drop you in Brooklyn. But you'll take my jacket. It's cold outside and you didn't bring yours."

They reached the intersection where Alex had asked to be dropped off several minutes later. Olivia took off her jacket and handed it to Alex, who pulled it on and zipped it all the way up. Olivia nearly chuckled at how adorable Alex looked in her leather jacket, but she managed to hold it in, knowing Alex wouldn't appreciate her amusement.

"Thank you, Olivia," Alex said, slinging her overnight bag over her shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow.'

"Alex, you should really take the day off tomorrow –"

"Olivia, it isn't up for discussion. Thank you for the ride." With that, she climbed out of the car and strode toward a gate several feet away.

Olivia couldn't make out the words on the gate, and she had no intention of leaving Alex alone, in the rain, this late at night. She waited several minutes until she was sure that Alex had gotten a decent head start before she exited the car and walked toward the gate. She began shivering after just a few moments outside and was immediately glad she had given Alex her jacket to ward off the cold. She stood beside the gate and read the words on it: Cypress Hills Cemetery. Olivia frowned. Hadn't Alex's mother been buried in East Amherst, where she had lived?

Although her brain was screaming at her to get back in the car and wait for Alex to come out, her cop instincts were urging her to follow Alex and see what she was up to. Her curiosity got the better of her, and she started on the trail Alex had taken just moments before, trying to ignore the rain spilling from the sky by the bucketful. Alex was more important than her temporary discomfort.

Olivia followed the serpentine path for a good ten minutes before she glimpsed Alex. The blonde was sitting on a rock beside a gravestone, indifferent to the rain that Olivia could see soaking through her silk dress. She had her head in her hands and her lips were moving, although Olivia couldn't make out what she was saying.

Against her better judgment, she moved closer, near enough to make out Alex's words. One word, murmured, agonizingly soft and full of anguish. "_Daddy_."

And then Alex was crying, sobbing so forcefully that her whole body shook.

Olivia just stood there, watching her, for several moments. She wanted to run to Alex and wrap her up in her arms and comfort her. She wanted Alex to pour out all of her sorrow so Olivia could shoulder some of it for her. She had never seen Alex cry like this, had never known Alex was even capable of such strong emotions. She had never seen anything like it.

Finally, Olivia gave into her impulse and jogged up to Alex, knowing in the back of her mind that Alex would be furious about Olivia seeing her in such a state but deciding she didn't care. She would do everything in her power to soothe Alex's tears. She could not bear to see Alex like this.

"Alex, it's freezing out here and you're soaking wet. Come back to the car."

Alex jumped at the sound of Olivia's voice and whirled around to face her. She tried for her usual venomous glare, but the tears still streaming from her cheeks significantly diminished its efficacy. "Olivia, I told you to leave. I told you I'd take a cab home."

"And you are on another planet if you think I'm going to leave you out here by yourself at 10:00 at night. I care about you, Alex, and I don't want you to get hurt." She held out a hand to the blonde. "Come on."

Alex shook her head. "Please, Olivia," she said, swiping at the tears still falling from her eyes, "I want to stay here a bit longer."

"Then I'll stay with you."

Alex sighed, but didn't argue with her. She sat down on the rock again, not even seeming to notice that her dress was saturated with water and practically translucent at this point.

Olivia sat down beside her, wincing as the cold rainwater soaked through the seat of her jeans. "Is that your father?"

Alex nodded. "He died when I was three."

"Oh, Alex. I'm so sorry."

"He loved me so much – he called me his little princess. Like the book. It was my favorite."

"When you were three?"

"He taught me to read when I was two. He read to me every day. My earliest memories are of sitting on his lap and turning pages in different storybooks. He was so proud of me. He loved to learn and he wanted me to share that love. He would play Schoolhouse Rock for me all the time, so by the time I was five I knew all about grammar and multiplication and even some history. He wanted me to do good in the world, but to do that I had to work hard and learn as much as I could." Alex smiled slightly, wiping her eyes again. "He always said I was his pride and joy. I wanted to be just like him. Sometimes I would go into his office and crawl up onto his desk chair and put on his glasses and pick up his newspaper and pretend to read. And then he would come and find me, and he'd laugh, and he'd pick me up and twirl me around in his arms."

"Oh, Alex. He sounds like a wonderful man. I wish I could have met him."

"He'd have liked you." Alex looked up at her. "He would have admired you for all the work that you do. He would have admired your heart and your courage and your empathy and your spirit." The words came out in a rush, and Alex clamped her hands over her mouth when she realized what she'd just said. "Olivia, I –"

"Shh, Alex. It's okay." Olivia gave her a tender smile and reached out to take her hand. Surprisingly, Alex didn't resist. She squeezed Olivia's hand back.

They sat there for several moments before Olivia said, "Alex, it's late. We should get going."

Alex took a deep breath and nodded. "I'm sorry for –"

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Olivia hesitated for several seconds before deciding that it was now or never. After the intimate moment they'd just shared, with Alex revealing more personal information in the past five minutes than she had in the past two years, she knew that now was her chance. "Alex, would you like to come out for dinner with me sometime?"

Alex's widened eyes darted up to meet hers. "You're asking me out on a date?"

Olivia couldn't breathe for a moment. Was Alex shutting her down? "If – if you want it to be," she managed to choke out.

Alex smiled, a real smile that made her eyes sparkle and lit up her entire face. Olivia felt herself falling even harder for this wonderful, beautiful woman, and she knew she would do anything to keep Alex's smile right where it was now. "I'd like that very much," Alex said quietly.

"How about Friday at seven? I'll pick you up."

Alex beamed. "Friday at seven, then."

Both of them chuckled slightly as they felt the veil of tension dissipate. "Come on. Let's go back to the car," Olivia said. "And if you ever want my company, all you have to do is ask and I'll come here with you."

"Thank you, Olivia. That means a lot to me."

Alex did not release Olivia's hand as they walked back to the car, side by side.

**Thanks to **_**MillaMayhem, betterthanbefore, Trinity Dower, Bkwrmchar, FluteChick2015, rasaabe, johannasbreasts, svu4u09, watevr i want, peterpeter, AlOlLove, tummer 22, **_**and **_**Eljh55 **_**for your reviews.**


	4. Chapter 4

By Friday afternoon, Olivia was a nervous wreck. She was jittery throughout the entire day, which may have been due in part to the six cups of coffee she'd drank in an attempt to focus better (which did not help at all), until Cragen finally told her to go home around 4:00 because she wasn't accomplishing anything useful.

So she went home, which left her with a good two and a half hours before she had to drive over to Alex's apartment to pick Alex up for their date. She'd hours days imagining how it would go and had played out hundreds of scenarios in her head – she'd fantasized about what Alex would be wearing, fantasized that Alex might initiate a kiss (even though she knew this was extremely unlikely), or at least a more platonic touch. She had loved holding Alex's hand several days before, loved the feel of Alex's warm soft skin, her hand fitting into Olivia's like the missing piece of a puzzle. Like it was meant to be there.

Deciding that she needed to work her nervous energy off somehow, Olivia decided to go for a run. She took her usual route along Riverside Park, but even jogging beside the water, she was unable to get her mind off Alex. She imagined that the blonde would open up to her, tell her more about her life and herself outside of work. Olivia knew exactly where Alex stood on the political spectrum and the death penalty, but she hadn't known until she accompanied Alex to her mother's funeral that she had two younger half-siblings. She wished that Alex would speak candidly about herself with her, tell her about her childhood, tell her more about her father, tell her about the good parts and the bad parts and the parts in between, so Olivia could laugh with her and share the good memories and shoulder part of the burden of the bad ones.

She was focussed so much on her envisioning of Alex and their date that she wasn't paying any attention to her surroundings, and was startled when she banged into something hard. "I'm sorry," she said, before she looked up and realized it was a tree that she had bumped into.

She smiled sheepishly, feeling a lump beginning to grow on her forehead where she'd hit the tree, and wondered how she was going to explain this at work tomorrow. Elliot would definitely get a kick out of the situation if she told him, which she wouldn't, for that very reason.

Glancing at her watch and seeing that it was almost 5:00, Olivia turned around and started to jog back to her apartment. She needed to shower and wash her hair before she went to pick Alex up, and she still had no idea what she was going to wear. She'd considered wearing a dress, even though she hated dresses and only wore them when it was absolutely necessarily, preferring the practicality of pants, but decided against it. She didn't want to wear one of her usual blazers and work pants, because she didn't want Alex to think this date was at all casual. She wanted Alex to see how much Olivia treasured her, and dressing like they were going out for a drink after work was not the way to show that.

After she showered and washed her hair, Olivia stood in front of her closet, carefully considering what to wear. She finally decided on a pair of black pants that she sometimes wore to court, which was a concession she felt was necessary, since most of her pants were work pants. She picked out a red button down shirt that hugged her curves and tucked it into her pants, adding her leather jacket on top for the final touch. She smiled to herself as she caught Alex's scent on the jacket, remembering that Alex had been the last person to wear it and grinning as she remembered how adorable Alex had looked in her jacket. She hoped to see Alex wearing more of her clothes soon.

Her smile widened as she thought about how cute Alex would look in one of her NYPD sweatshirts, but she quickly shook off the thought. She was getting ahead of herself. This was only their first date, after all. But almost ever since she'd met Alex, she had been imagining a life with her. A life that including sleeping in on Sunday mornings and cuddling on the couch together. A life that included a chaste kiss on the cheek as Olivia dropped Alex off for work in the morning. A life that included anniversary dinners at fancy restaurants that were well beyond Olivia's means, but that she would make reservations at because Alex enjoyed them. A life where they were together. Olivia knew in her heart that she loved Alex already, and had loved Alex for a very long time now. All she wanted was a life together, and she knew that any life shared with Alex would be absolutely perfect.

* * *

Alex had given Olivia her address, but Olivia was surprised when she pulled up to a small walk-up building on 27th St. She double checked the address, confirmed that this was indeed where their presumably blue-blooded ADA lived, and parked her car on the street. She walked up to the door, scanned the apartment listings, and pressed the button for apartment 3B, which said "Cabot". A moment later, Alex's voice crackled over the speaker, telling Olivia she'd be down in a moment.

Olivia re-examined the dingy apartment building. It did not look at all like where she had expected Alex to live. She had anticipated Alex having at least a doorman, if not a penthouse at one of the top apartment buildings in the city. But there were many things she did not know about their enigmatic ADA, and Olivia was looking forward to finding out every single one of them.

Alex appeared several minutes later, and Olivia's heart skipped a beat when she saw Alex step out of her apartment and close the door. The blonde looked absolutely breathtaking. She was wearing a baby blue silk shirt that made her eyes pop and simple black slacks. Her hair flowed loosely over her shoulders, and she was wearing an absolutely adorable expression on her face – somewhere between uncertainty and anticipation.

"You look absolutely lovely, Alex," Olivia said, unable to help herself from commenting on Alex's appearance.

It was clearly the wrong thing to say. Alex shifted uncomfortably, clasping her hands and glancing down before meeting Olivia's eyes again. "Thank you," she said quietly. "So do you."

Olivia gave her a smile, trying to ease the tension that permeated the small space between them. "Um, I made dinner reservations for 7:30. The restaurant isn't far from here."

Alex nodded and silently followed Olivia to the car. Olivia mentally kicked herself for being unable to come up with something to say that didn't sound completely awkward.

Unexpectedly, Alex broke the silence after several minutes. "What happened to your forehead, Liv? You've got a pretty big goose egg."

Olivia blushed. "Oh, you wouldn't believe me if I told you."

Alex's eyes lit up in amusement, and Olivia knew with sudden clarity that she would do anything, tell Alex anything, to keep that look in her baby blues.

She was whipped already, and they hadn't even gone out on their first date yet.

"Tell me," Alex said, and Olivia flushed harder, but did as she was told.

"I ran into a tree."

Alex chuckled, and Olivia felt her heart jump. Alex's laugh was so beautiful and so rare, and hearing it made her want to jump up and down, or burst out singing, or reach over and wrap the blonde into a hug.

Needless to say, she did not do any of those things.

"How did you manage _that_?" Alex asked her.

"Typical Benson clumsiness?"

"Oh, please. You're not clumsy at all. Tell me the truth."

Olivia couldn't help but oblige. "I was thinking about you." She held her breath, knowing that saying something so brazen, truthful or not, was a major risk, and hoping that Alex wouldn't retreat back into her shell.

Alex sucked in her breath, too. "And – and what were you thinking?" she asked after a moment, her voice steady and even.

"About how much I care about you. How much I value your company and your friendship. How much I want to make this work. How I want to get to know you better." She hoped her honesty would be rewarded, but the look on Alex's face was unreadable.

After several minutes, Alex said, "I want to get to know you better, too."

"Okay. Then ask me anything. I'll give you an honest answer."

Alex thought for a moment. "Do you think everything happens for a reason?"

Olivia considered the question. "Yes," she finally said. "Not necessarily that some higher power planned it or anything, but yeah, I think everything happens for a reason." _I think I met you for a reason_, she didn't say, but the words were felt all the same.

**Sorry for the abrupt end to this chapter, but it's all I've had time for, and I figured one short chapter was better than no chapter at all. The date will be in the next chapter, I promise. And thanks to **_**svu4u09, Liv-x-Lex4Ever, ladybugsmomma, Elijh55, McJoJo, MillaMayhem, johannasbreasts, Ockham's razor, karla605, Bkwrmchar, peterpeter**_**, and **_**watevr i want **_**for your reviews. I appreciate every single one of them.**


	5. Chapter 5

The rest of the fifteen minute car ride was mostly quiet, both of the women deep in thought. Finally, Alex said, "Where are we going?"

"You'll see," Olivia said, quirking an eyebrow.

Alex rolled her eyes and said nothing.

Olivia parked at the corner of West 10th Street and Broadway, then went to pay the parking fare. She opened Alex's door for her and offered the blonde her hand. "Milady," she said with a teasing smile.

Alex couldn't help but smile back. She took Olivia's hand, and they walked the three blocks to the restaurant in amiable silence.

Olivia led Alex to a nearly hidden door at the corner of West 7th Street. "Here we are."

Alex looked the building up and down. It was a tiny restaurant, without even a name on the door. "Here?"

Olivia nodded. "Best kept secret in all of Manhattan. Trust me."

She led Alex inside, where the hostess asked Olivia if she had a reservation and Olivia replied that she did, under the name Benson. The hostess led Alex and Olivia to an intimate table in the back. The lights were low and there was a candle on the table. Olivia had chosen the place specifically for its romantic ambience, and the fact that it was a fondue restaurant. She hoped that it would be a unique enough first date to impress Alex. She hoped that Alex would enjoy the evening. She desperately wanted the blonde to agree to a second date.

The hostess handed Alex and Olivia the menus. Alex opened hers and raised an eyebrow. "Fondue?"

Olivia smiled shyly. "I – I hope it's not too forward. I wanted to make our first date special. You deserve – you deserve a special night out. I – it would be nice if that special night out – if it could be with me. I thought you'd like it. I –"

Alex smiled, a real smile that made her blue eyes glimmer in the dim candlelight. She placed her hand over Olivia's, effectively halting her rambling. "It's wonderful, Olivia."

Olivia let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "I think the spinach and artichoke fondue is the best to start out with, but we can get whatever you like."

Alex cocked her head. "When have you been here before?"

"With my mother, many years ago. On one of her good days. She loved fondue. She considered herself quite an epicure."

Alex perused the menu. "I love fondue, too. I haven't had it in years, though."

"When was the last time you had it?"

"At my mother's wedding," Alex said without thinking.

Olivia noticed her tense after those words, noticed the stiffness in her jaw that hadn't been there before, the rigidness of the sinewy muscles in her arms. Knowing that she only had a window of a few seconds before Alex clammed up again, she said, "Do you want to share a bottle of wine?" At Alex's nod, she asked, "Anything in particular?"

Alex shrugged, and Olivia could see that she was too late, that Alex had retreated into her shell once again. "Whatever you like."

"Whatever _you _like, Alex. And here I was thinking you knew good wine." Olivia clicked her tongue good-naturedly.

Even though it was meant as a tease, Alex's sigh and quiet words made her regret her own. "I'm not like that, Olivia. I'm really not."

Olivia felt her heart clench in her chest. She hated the resignation in Alex's voice, hated that she had been the one to put it there, especially on a night that she had planned specifically for Alex. She had wanted it to be perfect, and she had ruined it already. "I know, sweetie. I was just teasing. I'm sorry."

Alex looked at the ground. "It doesn't matter."

Olivia reached her hand out to Alex and had to swallow back the tears that threatened to leak into her voice when Alex didn't take it. "I'm sorry, Alex. I didn't mean it like that, not at all. You are an absolutely amazing woman and I am so honored that you let me take you out tonight.'

Alex tapped her fingers aimlessly against the table. "I said it's fine, Liv. Let's talk about something else."

Olivia managed a small smile through the pounding of her heart in her chest. "So what do you do in your free time when you're not being Alex Cabot, ADA extraordinaire?"

"Free time? What free time?"

Olivia chuckled. "You have a point there."

"I read mostly," Alex said, surprising Olivia with the lack of prodding required to get her to share that detail.

"What do you read?"

Alex smiled, her eyes lighting up again. "Anything. Everything. Historical fiction, sometimes. Especially about the Renaissance. Philosophy sometimes. Postmodernism. Or just your run-of-the-mill New York Times bestseller, on occasion."

The waiter arrived at their table just then, introducing himself and asking if they had any questions about the menu. Olivia said they were ready to order, and she let Alex do the talking for both of them.

Once the waiter had left, Alex's eyes returned to Olivia and she said with a teasing lilt in her voice, "So what do you do in your free time when you're not being Olivia Benson, detective extraordinaire?"

Olivia laughed. "Nothing as intellectually stimulating as reading Foucault, unfortunately. Go to the gym, sometimes spend some time with Elliot and his family. Or sleep. Do a little bit of cooking if I get a chance, have someone to share the food with, and happen to be in the mood for filling my refrigerator."

"Considering how little food you have in your apartment, I'd have never pegged you for a cook. The last time I was over, all you had in your fridge were pickles and sour milk, remember?"

Olivia shrugged. "Like I said, I like cooking when I have the time and wherewithal. There's no point in filling up my fridge when I won't be home to eat the food. And I'll bet your fridge isn't much better, Ms. Cabot."

"But I never claimed to be a cook. The only thing I'm good at cooking is leftover takeout, and even then it's only the microwave. To tell you the truth, I'm a menace to kitchen appliances."

Olivia couldn't help but chuckle at the unexpectedness of both the veracity of the statement and the way Alex had phrased it. "Really?"

"I set my stove on fire last year. That was pretty bad. The whole building was evacuated and the fire department showed up. But the stove isn't even the worst of it. That was only once. It's the microwave I can't seem to get the hang of."

"The _microwave_?"

Alex blushed. "I set it on fire three times. Metal doesn't belong in the microwave, apparently. Nor do ambiguous looking objects that may or not contain metal."

Olivia smiled at the domestic scene she was picturing in her head, of Alex setting _their _stove on fire. She'd never realized that kitchen fires could be so adorable or endearing.

The food arrived several minutes later, and Alex and Olivia shared smiles as they ate their fondue. The cheese fondue had come with green apples, vegetables, chips, and bread, and Alex went straight for the broccoli, to Olivia's amusement. She was familiar with Alex's love of all things green, but still smiled every time Alex insisted on zucchini _and _peppers _and _broccoli _and _spinach on her pizza, or ordered extra plates of vegetables when they picked up Chinese food.

She was falling in love with this woman, and all her endearing little quirks.

She had fallen in love already.

**Again, sorry for the brevity of the chapter. There will be one more part on the date, but I wanted to get this part up now since I'm not sure if I'll have time for an update this week. But your kind reviews always inspire me, so who knows? On that note, thanks to **_**FluteChick2015, MillaMayhem, ladybugsmomma, Liv-x-Lex4Ever, Ockham's razor, Bkwrmchar, Eljh55, tattoo me1969, McJoJo, AmbiiIsMyName, svu4u09, heartstrings, johannasbreasts, **_**and **_**betterthanbefore.**_


	6. Chapter 6

The rest of the evening passed easily. Olivia carefully avoided any subject or phrase that might set Alex off, and Alex begun to open up a bit more about herself. Olivia learned about the type of books she liked to read and the movies she liked the watch. She learned that Alex loved Central Park and ran there every morning, and she was elated to share this love with Alex. She learned that Alex's childhood ambition had been to be a novelist and a first grade teacher as well as an attorney. She smiled to think of a young Alex, pouting because she wanted three full time careers and had been told that she could only have one.

Most of all, she learned that she really enjoyed Alex's company – _Alex's _company, not Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot's company, but Alex's, the real Alex. Alex became more comfortable as the evening progressed, and by the time dessert came out, her eyes were bright and sparkling, the corners crinkling as she threw her head back every few minutes and laughed at something Olivia had said. Olivia loved Alex's laugh. It was ladylike and proper until Alex lost control of it, and then it was free and full and heartfelt, melodic.

For dessert, they shared chocolate s'mores fondue. Alex had wanted chocolate banana fondue, but Olivia had convinced her to get chocolate s'mores. It reminded her of summer camp, of roasting marshmallows over a fire, surrounded by friends and laughter and joie de vivre. Summer camp was probably the happiest memory of her childhood.

The fondue was delicious, but Olivia barely registered the taste. She was too caught up in Alex's twinkling blue eyes gazing at her from across the table. She never wanted this evening to end. At the very least, she wanted a million more like it.

Olivia insisted on paying the cheque, muting Alex's protests with a quiet, "This is my treat. I asked you out, and it's my absolute privilege to give you a nice night out."

Alex fell silent after that, although Olivia could see the conflict on her face – torn between asserting her independence and accepting Olivia's gesture. Finally, Olivia saw her eyelids droop almost imperceptibly, and she knew Alex had given in. She smiled and placed her hand on top of Alex's – a move she would not have dared to make earlier in the evening, but she had been emboldened by Alex's smiles. From what she could tell, Alex was more comfortable with her tonight than she had ever been in the past, and that made Olivia's heart soar.

Even after the cheque had been paid, Alex and Olivia were both reluctant to go home. Remembering that Central Park was one of Alex's favorite places, Olivia suggested that they take a walk there, and she knew this had been a good proposal when Alex's eyes lit up at the idea.

They drove to Central Park and parked at the entrance on West 58th Street. Olivia felt her heart race as Alex slipped her hand into hers, mindlessly, as if it were the most natural thing in the world for them to be holding hands as they moseyed through Central Park on this lovely evening.

The stars were bright to night, and it seemed to be the perfect backdrop for their first date. They did not speak as they walked in tandem, their strides matching because they were just that connected, tonight.

Alex broke the silence by saying, "I really enjoyed this evening with you, Olivia."

Olivia grinned so widely that she felt the muscles in her face straining. "Me, too, sweetheart. Would you like to do it again sometime?"

Alex nodded shyly, and Olivia's smile grew even broader. She instinctively squeezed Alex's hand. "Come on. I want to show you something."

She led Alex to a small clearing which had always been her favorite spot in the park, ever since she was a child. When her mother was on a bender or had simply disappeared for several days, as she often did, Olivia would sometimes come here to find solace. She would sit on her favorite rock or lie down on the grass and simply gaze up at the stars. As a child, she had been fascinated by astronomy and could name all of the stars.

This had been her safe place when her work became overwhelming, when the cases were too disturbing or when they had to release a rapist on a technicality. She wanted to share this place with Alex since it was such an integral part of who she was. She hoped that Alex herself could become her safe place, now.

When they reached the clearing, she pointed out her favorite rock to Alex. "Come. Sit with me."

Alex followed Olivia to the rock and sat down beside her, still clutching her hand.

Olivia gestured to the sky above them. "Lean your head back. Look."

Alex smiled as she did as she was told. "Olivia Benson, you've been holding out on me. I never knew you were such a romantic."

Olivia blushed. "I just – I wanted you to see this place, to come here with me. It's my favorite place. I've been coming here ever since I was a child, and it always helps to – to center me. I wanted to share it with you."

Alex sat up and gazed right into her eyes, locking her baby blues onto Olivia's deep brown eyes. "Thank you, Liv," she said softly.

Olivia felt an ache in her chest that she couldn't describe. She couldn't even explain if it was a good ache or a bad ache or a bad ache that was a good ache. She cleared her throat. "Look up, Alex. There's Pegasus, and there's Andromeda. And there's Lacerta. Usually you can't see Lacerta, because it's so faint. Ancient astronomers didn't even realize it was a constellation. They thought it was – Alex?" She trailed off as Alex took a deep breath beside her. "Alex, what's wrong?"

"Nothing – nothing's wrong. Liv – Liv, I –" Alex looked up at her, her eyes uncertain, her words tentative. They came out in a rush, tripping over each other, so unlike Alex's usually eloquent cadence. "I really want to kiss you right now."

Olivia inhaled sharply. "Then why don't you?" she said on a breath.

Alex looked at the ground, tugging at a thread on her shirt. "I haven't done this in so long . . . I'm not sure . . ."

Olivia understood. Not breaking eye contact with the blonde, she placed a gentle hand on Alex's shoulder. "Shh." She leaned forward, slowly, giving Alex ample time to back out if she wasn't sure, but Alex didn't move.

Both of them sighed at the first brush of their lips, and Alex closed her eyes, abandoning all of her reservations and relinquishing herself to Olivia's mouth on hers.

The kiss was languid, gentle, soft. It was perfect. It was a cliché and a stereotype and a scene right out of a cheesy Lifetime movie, and yet, it felt so right.

When they finally broke apart for air, both women were panting at the intensity and intimacy they had just shared. "Alex, that was – that was perfect," Olivia whispered.

Alex smiled, but not the same sort of smile she'd been gracing Olivia with earlier in the evening. This was a sad smile, even rueful. "I know," she said, just as quietly. "I just – I think I need a bit more time, Olivia."

"Are we moving too quickly, Alex? I know it's early – I'm sorry, I didn't realize –"

"No, it's not that. It's fine. I had a great night with you, Olivia, really. Thank you for taking me out, and thank you for taking me here, and showing me this place – and I'd like to do it again, I think, but I think it's time to call it a night." Alex's words were hurried again, ragged, zigging and zagging between her now-labored breathing.

Olivia bit her lip, absolutely terrified that she had done something to push Alex away but not knowing how to express her fear without repelling Alex even further. She decided to try not to worry about it. She would go at Alex's pace, and do whatever Alex was comfortable with. She would work hard to earn and keep Alex's trust. She wouldn't rush things. All she could do was hope that her efforts would pay off in the end, and Alex would fall in love with her as she had already fallen in love with Alex.

**Thanks to **_**Bkwrmchar, peterpeter,**__**AmbiiIsMyName, tattoo me1969, MillaMayhem, Eljh55, svu4u09, McJoJo, tummer22, ladybugsmomma, watevr i want, **_**and **_**Liv-x-Lex4Ever **_**for all of your reviews. And special thanks to **_**jbcjazz.**_


	7. Chapter 7

The next day at work, Olivia barely saw Alex. She brushed it off at first, assuming Alex was just busy, but by day three of having no contact with her, Olivia came to the conclusion that Alex was avoiding her. It took all of her willpower not to burst into Alex's office and plead for Alex to tell her what was wrong, but she refrained. She did not want to scare Alex and make her even more skittish than she already does. All she could do was wait, and hope that Alex would come to her when she was ready.

On day five, Alex and Olivia finally crossed paths. Olivia nearly ran into her – literally – as Alex was coming out of Captain Cragen's office. "Alex!" she said, unable to stop the words from slipping past her lips. "Alex, I –"

"Not now, Detective," Alex said, quickening her stride and keeping her eyes away from Olivia's. "I have to be in court in ten minutes."

"Alex, wait." Olivia struggled to keep pace with Alex even though the attorney was wearing high heels. "Alex, what's –"

"Detective, I said I have to go."

Olivia felt tears stinging her eyes and blinked them back. "Alex, please. Tell me what's wrong. Did I do something?"

Alex's face softened slightly. "No, Liv, you didn't do anything."

"Then what is it? What's wrong?"

"What's wrong is that you're making me late for court and Petrovsky's going to have my ass."

"Alex." Olivia hesitated. "Why were you in with Captain Cragen?"

Alex averted her gaze again. "I needed to recuse myself from the Saunders case."

"Why?"

"That's not your concern, Detective."

Olivia shivered at the chill in Alex's voice. She lightened her tone. "Alex, can we maybe go out sometime, get pizza or Chinese? Just as friends – I don't want to push you. But I do miss you."

Alex's eyelids drooped almost imperceptibly. "Me, too," she said, so softly that Olivia barely heard.

Impulsively, Olivia reached out to lay a hand on Alex's arm, but she immediately pulled it back when Alex flinched away from her touch. "Oh, Alex, I'm sorry…" She trailed off when she noticed Ale was trembling. "Alex, please talk to me. Please, tell me what's wrong. I want to help you –"

Alex's eyes were glacial, and she took a step away from Olivia. "You can't." She inhaled. "I'm late for court."

Olivia longed to follow her, to insist that she share her pain and let Olivia help, but she didn't. She knew better. She didn't want to risk doing anything that might make Alex close up again. The iciness in Alex's eyes had gone straight to her heart, and she never wanted to see that look directed at her again. She loved this woman, and she would wait.

* * *

Casey Novak was the new ADA assigned to work with them on the Saunders case. Olivia was not a fan of Casey and could not understand why Alex had had to recuse herself to begin with. There was nothing particularly egregious about the crime – it was a pretty straightforward case of a mentally ill man who had raped two girls when he was off his medication. Pretty cut and dried. And as far as she knew, Alex had no connection with either the victims or the perp, since the perp had been in the United States for less than a year.

Of course, Alex wouldn't tell her why she'd recused herself, and Olivia was so worried about Alex that she knew she had to find out.

Since Alex wouldn't talk to her, she decided that she had no choice. She would have to go to the perp himself to find out.

She spoke to Mr. Saunders at the hospital where he'd been admitted. His doctor and his lawyer were both present, just in case.

Olivia had come here for one thing only, so she got right down to business. "How do you know Alexandra Cabot?" she asked. She figured the truth couldn't be any worse than what she had been up all night imagining – that the perp had threatened Alex, or raped her, or hurt her in some way.

"Never heard of her," Mr. Saunders said, twitching.

The doctor spoke up. "Alexandra Cabot?"

"Yes. You know her?" Olivia asked, raising an eyebrow.

The doctor nodded. "She was a patient of mine many years ago. Is Mr. Saunders accused of attacking her?"

Olivia stared at him for a moment. "No. Did he?"

"If you have any more charges to add to the table, we have the right to know about them," Mr. Saunders' lawyer said.

Olivia sighed and turned her attention to the doctor. She cleared her throat. "What can you tell me about Alexandra Cabot, Mr. Evans?"

"Nothing, I'm afraid. You know that, Detective. I shouldn't have even told you she was my patient. I was just startled."

"Did someone hurt her?"

The doctor hesitated. "If I recall correctly, she hurt someone else."

**First of all, I'm really sorry to everyone who's been reading this story for the lack of an update. I've been crazy busy, unfortunately, but I managed to get this done anyway. It's short, but short is better than nothing, no? Thanks to **_**ThePartyAfterYouLeft**_**, **_**Cmoni, Liv-x-Lex4Ever, ladybugsmomma, , Ockham's razor, Miss Deeds, svu4u09, johannasbreasts, AIOILove, Bkwrmchar, McJoJo, AmbiiIsMyName, chawkchic, watevr i want, peterpeter, tattoo me1969, Eljh5510, **_**and my anons. I really appreciate all of your reviews, so thanks so much for following this story, and I hope you're still enjoying it.**


	8. Chapter 8

"She hurt someone else?" Olivia asked. " What happened?

"Detective, you know I can't share that information with you," Dr. Evans said.

"But she…" Olivia trailed off. She didn't want to give him any more information about Alex, _her _Alex, unless she had to.

"It was many years ago. Now, if you don't mind, the subject at hand. What would like to know about Mr. Saunders?"

"N-nothing else. We'll see you in court, Mr. Saunders."

Olivia's mind was spinning as the men left the room. She knew she could not tell Alex any of what she'd found out. This would be such a great breach of trust that she knew their relationship would never recover from it. She would have to wait, and let Alex know that she could come to her when she was ready, and that she would listen and wouldn't judge her and would love Alex anyway, as she already did. She hoped Alex would come to her sooner rather than later, but she knew better than to push.

She drove back to the precinct, even though she wanted to go home and give her thudding heart a chance to catch up with her roiling mind. Her first instinct was not to believe anything the doctor had said, or to presume it had been a mistake. But her detective's brain would not let her do that in good conscience. "Alex had secrets," the traitorous voice tucked away in the back of her mind reminded her. "How do you know this isn't one of them?"

Olivia tried to reply to that voice. "I know Alex. I know she would never hurt another person."

But how well did she know Alex, really?

Her mind still twisting, she headed for the DA's office. She went right to Alex's door and only hesitated for a moment before knocking. When she heard Alex invite her in, she entered, and couldn't help the smile that pricked at the corners of her lips at the sight that awaited her. Instantly her doubts evaporated. Alex couldn't have hurt someone, not ever. She was simply too perfect.

Alex was sitting at her desk, poring over a case file. Her glasses were slightly askew, and several strands of hair had fallen out of her tight chignon, wisps of blonde hair framing her face. When she looked up at Olivia, an almost instinctive smile lit up her face before she quickly tightened her facial muscles into their usual cool impassivity.

Olivia smiled back at her, even after Alex's had dissipated. Her words tumbled from her mouth before she could stop to think about them. "Alex, I'm about to grab a bite to eat. Would you like to join me?"

Olivia glimpsed the turmoil playing across Alex's features, but she didn't say anything else, terrified that if she opened her mouth, Alex would say no.

Finally, Alex looked back at Olivia. Her eyes betrayed nothing and her voice was even when she said, "Where were you thinking of going?"

"Oh, just to the deli across the street."

Alex nodded slowly but didn't say anything else.

"How was court today?" Olivia asked after a moment.

Alex sighed. "I won the motion. The testimony is admissible, but getting Alice to testify is still going to be an uphill battle."

"She doesn't want to relive it. I can't say I blame her.

"Her testimony is essential to this case. If she won't talk, we can't prove a pattern of conduct, and Stephenson walks."

"Alex, she's only twelve. There are many grown women out there who can't face their accusers, or who don't even come forward because of fear. We both know that. I'm working with her."

Alex stiffened. "I understand that, Olivia, but without her, we have no case. I know what we're asking of her isn't easy." She sighed again. "You just keep working with her. I have faith that you'll get her comfortable. You always do."

They were silent for a beat, and Olivia let the moment linger before she said, "So, dinner?"

Alex nodded. "But we have to be pretty quick. I need to go over my opening statement."

"Can I help?" Olivia asked. She always loved watching Alex rehearse or give an opening or closing statement. Her eyes burned with passion, and it was clear that she was in her element in the courtroom. No one could deliver an opening like Alex, with grit and steel and just the right amount of indignation for the perp. Juries ate out of her palm, and Olivia loved to watch her work her magic.

Alex hesitated. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"That's okay. I – I just thought it might be nice, you know, to have an audience, and I'd like it, but it's fine. I'm sorry."

Alex waved away her apology. "Dinner?"

Olivia grabbed Alex's coat from the closet and held it out so Alex could slip her arms into the sleeves. Alex smiled at the gesture, a glimmer in her eyes. Olivia felt a tingle course through her body at the sight. "My, detective, you really do know how to treat a lady."

Olivia blushed. "My pleasure," she stammered.

There was no hope of retaining control of her voice when Alex slipped her hand into hers, and Olivia's mouth nearly fell open when she realized that Alex intended to walk through the halls of the DA's office with their hands intertwined. She almost asked Alex if she was sure about this, but quickly decided against it, just in case Alex wasn't.

They left the DA's office without incident and walked hand-in-hand to the deli across the street. Olivia told Alex to get them a table and walked up to the counter to order. She got a burger and fries for herself and Alex's favorite grilled chicken salad for her, remembering to ask for no onions and extra goat cheese, just as Alex liked.

She brought the food back to the table and sat down across from Alex. "What did you get me?" Alex asked.

"Your usual. With no onions and extra cheese."

Alex beamed. "Thank you, Liv," she said, and Olivia grinned back at her as she squirted a generous dollop of ketchup onto her fries.

Olivia watched Alex eat for several moments, enjoying the peaceful silence between them. Then she said, "Alex, tell me something else about your dad."

Alex smiled, although her eyes crinkled sadly. "He was a lawyer. He always wanted me to be a lawyer too. He thought I'd be good at it, because I was so good at negotiating. Even as a three year old. But he didn't want me to do corporate or commercial or anything like that. He wanted me to help people. He was so passionate about justice."

"He reminds me of you."

"Thank you, Olivia. That means a lot to me." Then her smile turned impish, the desolate look in her eyes evaporating as she reached over to pull a French fry off Olivia's plate.

"Hey! I was eating those."

Alex put it in her mouth. "For a detective, your reflexes are pretty bad, Liv. I'm surprised they let you carry a gun."

Olivia chuckled. "I'm surprised you'd insult my competence while I'm carrying a gun."

"Liv?"

"Yes?"

Alex's hand darted out to take another French fry. She gave Olivia her most innocent smile. "Nothing."

Olivia just shook her head. She was falling even further in love with this woman every moment.

**Thank you everyone for your kind reviews! They inspire me to write more. I'm still really busy with stuff, but I managed to write another chapter for y'all because I felt it was mean to leave that there. Thanks to **_**Eljh55, ladybugsmomma, tummer22, Alex Beckett, AmbiiIsMyName, MillaMayhem, betterthanbeffore, , Ravens Trinity, Himenokowaishumi, Willoa-.-Tara, Kikilia14, Bkwrmchar, Liv-x-Lex4Ever, **_**and my anons. Y'all are the best.**


	9. Chapter 9

Olivia's mind and heart were still roiling as she returned to the precinct. She knew without a doubt that Alex was a good person who never would have hurt anyone except maybe in self-defence. But then what was the story with her and Dr. Evans?

Even though she knew in the back of her mind that she should just wait for Alex to come to her, she couldn't resist doing some research on Dr. Evans' background. She determined that he had worked in an adolescent psychiatric ward with violent teenagers and young offenders several decades ago before turning his attention to adult offenders.

What could this man have possibly wanted with her Alex?

She knew she could not ask, so she tried not to think about it. She had 23 open cases and a mountain of paperwork on her desk. The DD-5s weren't going to write themselves, so she got to work.

* * *

Olivia was so busy with her cases for the rest of the week that she didn't see Alex at all. Nor did she see her the next week. Finally on Thursday, she put aside twenty minutes which would have otherwise been devoted to a nap in the crib to go see Alex. On her way to Alex office, however, one of the secretaries stopped her. "Ms. Cabot isn't here today, Detective. If you need a warrant, duty counsel's door is third from the left."

"Where is she?" Olivia asked, feeling a knot begin to form in the pit of her stomach. She had never known Alex to take a sick day before.

"She called this morning to say she wasn't feeling well. That's all I know."

"Thanks," Olivia said, chewing on her lower lip as she calculated the amount of time it would take her to get to Alex's apartment. Too long. It would take a huge chunk out of her workday.

She went anyway.

She buzzed Alex's apartment, but there was no answer. Olivia had to remind herself to take deep breaths in an attempt to calm her racing heart when she buzzed again and still got no reply.

She considered her next move for a moment before buzzing the apartment next to Alex's. A female voice answered, "Yes?"

"Ma'am, my name is Detective Olivia Benson. I'm with the New York Police Department. Please open the door."

A moment later, the door clicked open, and Olivia raced up to Alex's apartment, taking the stairs two at a time. Again, she was struck by the dinginess of the apartment. It didn't even have an elevator, and the musty smell was overwhelming.

Olivia was breathing heavily when she reached Alex's apartment on the fifth floor and she had to restrain herself from banging on the door, not wanting to disturb the neighbors. She rapped lightly instead. "Alex?" she called, and when there was no answer, she knocked more insistently and called out Alex's name more loudly. "Alex, it's Liv. Open up."

She heard footsteps shuffling toward the door and then the latch turning. The door opened and Alex stood in the doorway, looking more disheveled than Olivia had ever seen her. Her eyes and nose were red, her lips were chapped, her skin was chalky white, and she was trembling. She was wearing sweatpants, a sweatshirt proclaiming her alma mater as Harvard, and thick socks, and she had a blanket wrapped around her shoulders.

They stood there appraising each other for several moments before Olivia said, "Alex, can I come in?"

Alex shook her head. "Thank you for your concern, Olivia," she said, her voice weak and gravelly, "but I'm fine. Really."

Olivia frowned. "You don't look fine. Let me make you some soup at least. Or just keep you company for a while. I was worried when you didn't show up for work today. I thought I'd come check on you."

Alex sighed and turned to walk back to the couch she'd previously been lying on. "Excuse the mess," she called over her shoulder.

Olivia rolled her eyes as she closed and locked the door behind her. Alex's apartment was a lot cleaner than hers ever was. There were only a few papers scattered over the countertop.

She looked around, noting both the tininess and the sparseness of the apartment. It was smaller than her apartment, and other than a tasteful color scheme and furniture, there was nothing personal about it whatsoever. There were only two pictures that she could see, one of a man she presumed was Alex's father, carrying a small girl on his shoulders. The girl had blonde hair tied into two ponytails and she looked to be about two or three. She clung to the man's neck, giggling at something he had said, and he smiled back at her. Olivia felt a pang in her chest as she realized that the adorable little girl must have been Alex.

The other picture was of Alex at the squad's Christmas party last year. She was standing awkwardly to the side, an uncertain expression on her face, but Olivia's arm was around her, pulling her into the frame. Olivia was chuckling at something Munch had said, and Fin was rolling his eyes. It was a great picture, and Olivia had insisted that Alex be in it, because she was part of the squad too. Alex had given her a smile when she'd said that.

Olivia perched on the couch beside Alex and tucked the blanket more tightly around her, concerned that Alex's shivering still hadn't abated. "How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Sick."

"I got that part. But sick how? Sick like stomach sick, like headache sick, like fever sick?"

Alex groaned. "All of the above."

Her voice was so quiet that Olivia could barely hear it, and as Alex's eyes drifted closed, she pressed a hand to Alex's forehead. The blonde flinched away from the touch, and Olivia hoped it was just because her hand was cool against Alex's scorching skin. "Sweetheart, you're burning up!" Without even thinking about it, she pressed her lips to Alex's forehead. Alex was definitely running a high fever. "Alex, where do you keep the thermometer?"

"No – hospital," Alex murmured.

"Okay, no hospital. I just want to take your temperature to make sure you're all right. Where's the thermometer?"

Alex whimpered, curling up in a ball and clutching her stomach. "Uh, the washroom. Maybe. Don't know – if I have one."

"Where in the washroom?"

Alex groaned as a surge of pain rippled through her abdomen and didn't answer.

Olivia sighed and went in search of the thermometer herself. Alex's washroom was like the rest of the house – almost bare, with only necessities like shampoo and conditioner in sight. And Alex's perfume. Olivia couldn't help but spray a bit onto her own wrist, the smell of Alex making her smile.

It didn't take her long to locate the thermometer in the medicine cabinet, and she brought it back to Alex. She knelt beside the couch and looked into Alex's eyes. "Sweetie, you have to sit up. It goes in your mouth and I don't want you to choke on it." When Alex didn't move, she said, "Can I help you?"

At Alex's nod, Olivia gently grasped Alex's shoulders and maneuvered her until she was sitting only on a slight angle instead of lying down. She grabbed a pillow and placed it behind Alex's back so she'd be more comfortable and supported Alex's head with her own hands. She handed the thermometer to Alex, who obediently stuck it in her own mouth.

The thermometer beeped several moments later. "Alex, I'm going to let go of your head now, okay?"

Alex nodded, and Olivia carefully moved her hands and reached out to take the thermometer as Alex laid her head back down. "Alex, your fever is 104.2. Did you take anything for it?"

Alex shook her head, closing her eyes again.

"Do you have Tylenol?"

"Maybe."

"How long have you had a fever for?"

"Don't know. Last night – maybe this morning?"

"I'll go get you some medicine for it. I'll be back in a moment."

Olivia returned to Alex's washroom and located a bottle of Tylenol. She filled a glass with water and wet a washcloth to bring back to Alex.

She knelt by Alex's side, holding her gaze again. "Sit up, sweetie. I have Tylenol for you."

Alex swallowed the Tylenols Olivia held out without complaint and washed them down with a sip of water. "Thank you," she murmured.

Olivia smiled. "Don't worry about it. Now lie back down. I have a washcloth that will hopefully bring down your fever and make you feel a bit better. If it doesn't, though, we might have to call a doctor."

"No – no doctors – needles – doctors – they – they tie you up –"

Olivia frowned and felt Alex's forehead again. The fever must be worse than she thought if Alex was slipping into delirium. She laid the cool washcloth on Alex's forehead, her heart clenching at Alex's pained inhalation at the cold dampness of the cloth. "Sweetie, no one's going to tie you up."

"They – they say – if you don't listen – and then – the medicine – you disappear – and then – needles – sleep – can't feel anything – it hurts – the room – alone – they make you – no – no –" Tears started to leak from Alex's eyelids. "No doctors!"

Olivia felt tears rushing to her eyes out of sheer helplessness. Alex wasn't making any sense and Olivia had no clue what she was talking about, but the pain and fear in Alex's voice were palpable. Olivia had never heard such a tone from Alex before, and she never wanted to hear it again. "Okay, sweetie, no doctors. I won't call a doctor. It's just you and me, Alex. We're at your apartment. It's just Liv. You're safe." She gently brushed away several of Alex's tears. "You just try to go to sleep, Alex. You'll feel better when you wake up, I promise."

She ran her fingers through Alex's hair, pulling the matted strands back from Alex's damp face. "Shh, sweetie, it's okay," she said as she felt Alex's body start to relax. She continued to stroke Alex's hair until she felt Alex's body finally still, and she knew Alex had fallen asleep.

She sat with Alex for several minutes, continuing to brush her fingers through her hair until her breathing was calm and even. She leaned down to press a loss to Alex's cheek and tucked her blanket more tightly around her. "I love you," she whispered, in spite of, or perhaps because of, the fact that Alex was asleep and couldn't hear her. She hoped that Alex would feel the words anyway, and know them in her heart.

**Thanks to everyone who's reading, following, and reviewing. I'm so glad you're all still enjoying this, and yes, everything will be revealed eventually…but what fun would it be if I told you everything right away? Thanks to **_**MillaMayhem, McJoJo, AmbiiIsMyName, AIOILove, tummer22, Eljh55, PandasWillRuleTheWorld, ladybugsmomma, Kikilia14, Liv-x-Lex4Ever, **_**and my anons for your reviews. Honestly, even though I'm insanely busy right now, reading your reviews makes me smile and makes me want to write more!**


	10. Chapter 10

Olivia went into the kitchen to make Alex something to eat. Alex's fridge was full, which was definitely a good sign. She tried to remember what foods Alex liked, other than vegetables and salads. She decided to put together a smoothie that she recalled Alex mentioning in the past. She threw together some vanilla yogurt, a banana, and some vanilla extract, then searched for the blender. She figured a smoothie would be easy for Alex to eat and it would soothe her throat. And she hoped that having a familiar food would be a comfort for her, no matter how small.

She went to check on Alex every few minutes, replacing the washcloth with a fresh one intermittently. She furrowed her brow when she realized her fever wasn't getting any better. In fact, it seemed to be rising, not falling. Regardless of Alex's trepidations, if the fever got any higher they were going to have to go to the hospital. Olivia had never seen a fever as high as 104.2, and she knew that anything over 103.5 could require medical attention. Olivia wasn't a doctor and didn't know how else to take care of someone as sick as Alex was right now.

When she'd finished making the smoothie, she brought it out to Alex and set it down on the coffee table. She knelt again by Alex's side, gently brushing Alex's damp hair back from her forehead and running her fingers through the golden strands. Alex was sleeping fitfully, tossing and turning, mumbling words that Olivia couldn't decipher.

"Alex, shh," Olivia said softly, pressing a kiss to the blonde's temple, even though she was aware that she would never have dared to make such a bold move if Alex had been awake. "Sweetie, calm down. You're safe."

If anything, her words frightened Alex even more, and Alex began to thrash in earnest, still muttering in her sleep.

Olivia stepped back from her, not wanting Alex's flailing hands and feet to catch her body. She reached over and grasped Alex's shoulders to still her. "Alex, sweetie, I need you to wake up now. Open your eyes for me. I'm here, and you're safe. Please, sweetie, open your eyes."

Finally, Alex's eyes flew open, glassy and unfocussed. "L-Liv?"

"Yeah, sweetie, I'm here."

Alex blinked. "W-why are you here? Where – where am I?"

Olivia held out her hand for Alex to take. Hesitantly, Alex grasped it. Her grip was weak. "We're at your apartment, honey. You're very sick right now. That's why you feel so bad."

Alex nodded and laid her head back down on the couch.

"Sweetie, did you have a bad dream?"

Alex shrugged, hunching her shoulders and starting to tremble again.

Olivia sighed and reached out to feel her forehead. "Oh, my God, Alex. We need to take your temperature again. Now."

"Wha-why?" Alex's eyes were starting to drift closed.

Olivia handed her the thermometer. "Your fever, sweetie."

Alex put the thermometer in her mouth, but her grip was loose and her fingers slipped away from it. Olivia had to grab the thermometer so it wouldn't fall out of her mouth. She held it there until it started to beep.

"Oh, God. 105.4. Alex, this is really serious. We need to call a doctor."

"No – no, Liv, no doctors – no, please, please –" Her words were slurring together, and they were so soft that Olivia could barely hear. She knew that regardless of what Alex wanted, taking her to the hospital was the right way to go, but it still broke her heart to have to do it.

"Sweetie, I'm sorry, but we have to. Your fever is way too high. This can be really dangerous, Alex. I don't want anything to happen to you."

Alex curled up more tightly on the couch, whimpering. "Liv – just want to – just want – sleep – please." Her eyes closed then.

"Alex!" Olivia shook her shoulders in an attempt to wake her, but it didn't help. Panic clouding her vision, she hefted Alex into her arms and raced out the door.

She thought about calling an ambulance, but she knew the nearest hospital was only a block away, and they didn't have any time to waste. She ran down the stairs two at a time, holding Alex tightly and trying not to groan under her weight. Tiny though she was, Alex was not a child and she was heavy. But the adrenaline surging through Olivia's veins told her that she needed to put aside her own pain and get Alex to a hospital now, or Alex might die.

She ran into the ER with Alex in her arms. She went straight to the triage nurse. "She – she fainted. She had a fever of 105.4 and she was delirious and she just – fainted."

As several other nurses arrived with a stretcher for Alex, Olivia tried to answer questions about Alex's medical history, but she didn't know all that much and couldn't be of much help. Finally, one of the nurses told her to go into the waiting room and they would tell her when they'd stabilized Alex.

Olivia paced the waiting room, unable to stop her racing mind from worrying about Alex. She couldn't help but feel as though she had betrayed the woman she loved by handing her over to the doctors she was so clearly terrified of, even though she knew it had been the right decision. What if Alex's fever had gotten worse and she'd died? A fever over 104 was serious; a fever over 105 could be life-threatening.

She didn't even want to think about what might have happened if she hadn't shown up when she did.

* * *

About an hour later, a nurse came into the waiting room and called for the family of Alexandra Cabot. When Olivia stepped up, the nurse asked how she was related to Alex, but when Olivia flashed her badge, the nurse was happy to apprise her of the situation. "Ms. Cabot is very lucky. If you hadn't brought her in when you did, she might not be here now. We've brought her fever down to 102; she'll be sick for another day or so, but she'll be fine after that. We'd like to keep her overnight for observation just in case, though."

Olivia nodded. "Can I see her?"

"Of course. Right this way, Detective."

Olivia followed the nurse to Alex's room. She was the only one there, and she was awake, sitting up in bed. Her back was ramrod straight and she had an IV in her arm. She was glaring at Olivia and the nurse. Olivia couldn't help but smile at the familiarity of the expression.

Olivia pulled a chair up beside her bed. "Hey," she said gently. "How are you feeling?"

Alex's eyes were like steel. "You betrayed me, Olivia."

"What?"

"I told you not to call a doctor. I told you –" Alex sighed, the fight draining from her eyes. "I'd like you to leave, Olivia."

"Alex – you were very sick. Your fever was 105.4! You could have died, sweetie."

"Olivia, don't. Don't even try to justify yourself to me. And don't you dare call me _sweetie_. I am _not _your sweetie. Do you have any idea how –?" She stopped abruptly. "I want you to go, Olivia. Now."

"Alex, you were _unconscious. _You could have _died_."

"Olivia." Alex sighed again, clearly working to even out her voice. "I woke up in a hospital bed, with a needle in my arm, wearing a hospital gown, all by myself. You have no idea…"

"I'm sorry, Alex. That must have been terrifying for you. I am so sorry."

"Get out, Olivia."

"Alex, when I was at your apartment, you were telling me about doctors. That they tied you up. That they hurt you. What happened?"

Alex stiffened, her eyes growing even more glacial. "Olivia," she said in the soft, dangerous tone she reserved for the worst of the scum they dealt with every day, "if you don't leave right this very moment, I will not be responsible for my actions."

Olivia felt tears stinging her eyes as she stood up. "Alex, I am so, so sorry. I never – I never wanted this. I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry." She bowed her head. "I hope you feel better soon," she whispered as she started for the door.

**Thanks to _Alex Beckett, peterpeter, AIOILove, MillaMayhem, Eljh55, Bkwrmchar, AprilBaby95, johannasbreasts, , ladybugsmomma, Liv-x-Lex4Ever, Ravens Trinity, Kikilia14, _and _guardianrock _for your reviews. I appreciate every single one of them.**


	11. Chapter 11

The tears came after Olivia had walked the block to Alex's apartment and gotten into her car. She had completely screwed things up and she didn't know how to fix them. She still didn't know what else Alex had expected her to do when her fever had risen so much. If Olivia had just left Alex alone instead of calling a doctor, her fever could have gotten even higher and Alex could have died.

On some level, she understood that Alex had been being neither logical nor rational when she had gotten angry at her, but that realization didn't make it hurt any less, and Olivia was still furious at herself for inadvertently doing something to frighten Alex. She had no idea what had happened to her or why she was so afraid, but she felt that alone in a hospital was not the best place for Alex to be right now.

But what could she do? Alex had pushed her away. Alex had made her leave.

She had lost Alex and she didn't know if she would ever get her back, or earn her trust again, not after this.

And she still had no idea what had set Alex off.

She couldn't deal with this. She had to go back and be with Alex, whether Alex wanted her there or not. She had to make sure Alex was okay.

She got out of the car, swiping at a few stray tears, and jogged the block to the hospital. She flashed her badge at one of the nurses and asked which room Alex Cabot was in. The nurse pointed her in the right direction, and Olivia forced herself not to run to Alex's side.

When she reached the door, she raised her hand to knock, but froze when she heard a strangled whimper coming from inside the room. Olivia hardly dared to breathe as the sound came again – quiet, melancholy. So tortured and full of pain that Olivia felt her own heart clench in response.

She crept into the room and said, "Alex," in a gentle, soft voice, not wanting to startle the blonde.

Alex looked up at her, trying to muster her usual icy glare, but her reddened eyes and the tear tracks on her cheeks sucked some of the punch out of her expression. "Olivia, I told you to leave," she said, but her voice cracked on the last syllable and she looked away.

Olivia carefully made her way to Alex's side, not wanting to scare Alex by moving suddenly. "I know. But I'm worried about you. And I want you to know that I am so, so sorry for scaring you. I never wanted that. Please, let me stay with you. Let me be here for you."

Alex shook her head. "No."

"Alex, I –" The words were on the tip of her tongue, the words she had never said before although she felt them so deeply they scared her, and she knew she could not say them now, not when Alex was in no shape to believe them.

Alex sighed and rested her head on her pillow, wincing as the needle in her arm shifted. "Olivia, I want you to go."

Olivia moved to her side, reaching a hand out to gently brush Alex's cheek. "I'm not going anywhere, Alex," she said softly. "I care about you a lot and I'm going to stay right by your side, where I belong. But I'd really like it if you would talk to me."

Alex avoided Olivia's gaze and was silent for several moments. "I'm sorry, Liv," she finally whispered. "I'm sorry, I just – now – this isn't a good time or place for me."

"I know," Olivia said, matching Alex's quiet tone. "Which is why I want to be with you."

Alex nodded, and when she looked up, her eyes held the most vulnerable expression Olivia had ever seen on her. "Will you – will you sit up here with me?"

Olivia smiled slightly. "Of course."

She climbed onto the bed beside Alex, maneuvering herself so that she would not inadvertently jostle the IV. She tentatively slipped an arm around Alex, and her eyes widened and her heart skipped a beat when Alex leaned easily into her, resting her head on Olivia's shoulder. Both of them sighed deeply, and Olivia could feel the tension evaporating from Alex's body. She pulled her closer, wishing she could shelter Alex from whatever turmoil she was currently enduring, but glad at least that Alex was letting her be there for her.

"Maybe you could try to sleep," Olivia said quietly.

Alex shook her head. "The beeping of the machines, people coming in and out – it's too much."

Olivia reached over to feel her forehead. "Your fever seems to be coming way down. It's only a little warm now. How are you feeling?"

"Better, but that's not saying a lot."

Olivia nodded and removed her hand. "Alex," she said, hesitating slightly but knowing that she had to find out, "why are you so afraid of hospitals? Who hurt you?"

Alex sighed. "I was just in a hospital once, for a long time. It wasn't an experience I'd like to repeat."

Olivia's mind started spinning with all the health crises that could have landed Alex in the hospital for a long time. Cancer. A heart disease. Something serious that might take Alex away from her even now.

She forced herself to even out her breathing. "Were – were you sick?

Alex shook her head. "You know, I really don't want to talk about it. I just want to go home, and move forward, and put this behind us." She paused. "Having you here – it helps. I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry, sweetheart?"

When Alex looked up at her, Olivia was surprised to find tears glistening in her eyes. "For _needing _you so much."

Olivia hugged her tightly. "Never feel sorry for needing me, Alex. I need you, too. More than you know."

Alex sniffled, a sound so unlike her that Olivia couldn't help but check her temperature again, just to make sure the fever hadn't magically reappeared.

"Why don't you try to sleep, Alex? Just try. It's late and I know you're still not feeling so well and you've had a long day. I promise I'll be right here when you wake up."

Alex looked at her again, the vulnerability still shining in her baby blues. "You won't let anyone touch me, though, right?"

"Well, the nurse might want to take your temperature or blood pressure or change your IV."

Alex shook her head. "You have to wake me if anyone comes in. Promise?"

"Okay, I promise. I would never let anyone hurt you, Alex. Not on my watch. So don't ever worry about that, okay?"

"I'll try," Alex said softly.

Without thinking, Olivia pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. She was surprised when Alex leaned into the contact instead of shying away from it as Olivia had presumed she would. "Sleep well," Olivia whispered.

Alex slipped her hand into Olivia's and gave it a squeeze. "I will," she said, and sure enough, within minutes, she was asleep.

**Thanks to _guardianrock, MillaMayhem, ladybugsmomma, Liv-x-Lex4Ever, peterpeter, AmbiiIsMyName, Eljh55, McJoJo, Bkwrmchar, DustyMonkey, Alex Beckett, Flutechick2015, , Kikilia14, _and all my anons for your reviews. They inspire me to write more. And I know a lot of you thought Alex was acting bitchy and/or OOC in the last chapter...a bit, but that's kind of the point. Patience will be rewarded and all will be revealed in the end.**


	12. Chapter 12

When Alex woke up to find that she was still in Olivia's arms, still safe, and feeling much better than she had been several hours ago, she looked up at Olivia with a tiny smile. Olivia smiled back, giving Alex a gentle squeeze. "How are you feeling?" she whispered.

"Better," Alex said. "A little, anyway."

Olivia put a hand on her forehead. "Your fever feels like it's gone way down, thank God."

"Will you take me home now?"

The childlike timbre of Alex's voice made Olivia's heart clench. "The doctor wants you to stay overnight, sweetie, just in case."

"But I'm fine. I'm feeling better. I don't need to be here. I don't want to be here."

"I know, Alex, but it's just one night. Just as a precaution. And I'll stay right here with you, I promise."

Alex sighed. "Can you at least get me my clothes?"

"You know I can't, Alex. They need you to stay in the hospital gown they gave you. You can get your clothes in the morning when they release you."

Alex began to tremble in Olivia's arms. Olivia held her tighter, but Alex's shaking just wouldn't abate.

"Alex, what's wrong?" She felt Alex's forehead again, but it was fine. "Are you getting chills again?"

Alex shook her head. "No…I just want to go home."

"You'll go home tomorrow morning. It's just that the doctor wants to make sure you don't get any sicker."

"But what if I do get sicker? What if they think I'm sick? What if they just want me to stay a little while longer 'as a precaution'?"

"I don't think that will happen, but if it does, we'll deal with it then. Don't worry, Alex. I promise I won't let anyone hurt you."

Alex pulled the needle out of her arm, wincing. "Can I have something? Just a sweater or an extra blanket."

Olivia took off her blazer and wrapped it around Alex's shoulders. "Here. But you need to keep the needle in, Alex. It's important. The medicine's bringing down your fever."

Alex shook her head, pulling on the blazer. "I don't want it, Olivia. I have rights here."

"Of course you do, sweetie. I just want you to get better and I don't think you're making the best choices right now."

Alex bristled. "No one's making you stay, Olivia."

Olivia hugged Alex to her. "That's not what I'm saying and you know it." She paused. "Alex, please tell me what you're so scared of. Tell me what happened."

"I'm not scared, Olivia. Just irked."

"Alex, please. You don't have to lie to me. You can trust me, I promise. Please just tell me, and I will stand by your side and I promise I will do whatever I can to help."

Alex sighed, her eyelids drooping, her head hanging low. "You'll see me differently," she said softly.

"No matter what you tell me, nothing will change the way I feel about you, Alex. I promise. I lo – I care about you a lot and I don't want to lose you, not ever. You can trust me, Alex."

Alex's head dropped even further. "I was in – I was in a hospital when I was younger." She stopped, pulling her knees to her chest and turning away from Olivia.

"I know, sweetie. You told me that. But what happened?"

"It was – it was a – a – a psych ward, Liv. Me, in a psych ward." She squeezed her eyes shut.

Olivia brushed a hand through Alex's hair. "Alex," she said after a moment. "Alex, look at me. Please."

Finally Alex rolled over to face her, and Olivia's heart constricted at the redness of her eyes and the moisture in them. Alex continued to avoid her gaze.

"Alex, that doesn't change anything. Do you understand that? I said nothing could change the way I feel about you, and I meant it. Nothing can. Not ever."

Alex's eyes flickered up to meet Olivia's, her words tumbling out in a rush. "I was so weak, Liv. I was crying. I couldn't stop crying for nearly six hours. I had – I had my favorite doll with me, because I was – I was – I – I was afraid. And one of the nurses – I don't know if she was a nurse, maybe a student, I never saw her after that – told me I should stop crying, pull myself together and give the doll to her, because if I didn't, they'd think I was crazy and I needed to be there. But I was just so sc-scared being there. Everyone touching me and asking questions and there were – there were security guards, big men, with guns, and I was little and I was – I was scared they were going to hurt me."

Olivia held Alex close as she told her story. Her heart broke imagining Alex being in that situation as a child and being absolutely terrified. She knew there was nothing she could say or do to fix this, but Alex was in her arms, and Olivia was there for her, and Alex knew that. It had to be enough for now. All she could do was listen silently.

Alex took a deep breath and continued. "I couldn't sleep. One of the nurses kept telling me I had to go to sleep, but I couldn't, and I was scared someone might come in and do something without me knowing about it, and it was too loud and too bright anyway, and the security guards were so close and they were watching me and I just couldn't. And the nurse said if I didn't sleep, she would have to give me a sedative. A needle. And I was scared of needles. So I tried, but I just couldn't, and she came in to give me the needle and I was crying and begging her not to. I was _begging_, Olivia. I was so weak…

"She had the security guards come in and hold me down. And when I woke up, I was in restraints and my doll was gone, and the nurse said I couldn't have her back unless I stopped crying and started behaving properly and did everything I was told. My dad gave me that doll just before he died. And I never got her back.

"And then I wasn't crying anymore. I was just quiet. I couldn't talk, because I knew if I did, it would be worse. I just lay there. And when the doctor came in and asked me questions, I tried to answer, but I just couldn't. So he decided they had to admit me. And he made me take off my clothes so he could do a physical exam and so they could take pictures of any marks I'd come in with." Several tears rolled down Alex's cheeks. "Liv, I really don't want to talk about this," she murmured.

Olivia hugged her tightly. "Sweetie, I am so sorry that happened to you," she said, her voice breaking. "I am so, so sorry. And I promise I will not let anyone hurt you here. I will stay right here with you. If you don't want the medicine, you don't have to take it. Pretty soon you'll be all better and we can go home." She reached out to take Alex's hand. "Thank you for telling me this, Alex. And I want you to know I'm always here for you, no matter what. If you ever want to talk, about this or something else, or if you just want company, all you have to do is say so."

Alex smiled weakly, swiping at the tears still trickling down her cheeks. "Thanks, Liv. That means a lot to me."

Olivia just smiled sadly back at her.

**So we finally get a little bit of Alex's backstory! There's more, of course, but this is a start, right? Thank you **_**DustyMonkey, peterpeter, Kikilia14, ThePartyAfterYouLeft, livsgirl, McJoJo, guardianrock, DeLene, ladybugsmomma, AIOILove, AmbiiIsMyName, tummer22, MillaMayhem, Eljh55, , Alex Beckett, Liv-x-Lex4Ever **_**and **_**Bkwrmchar **_**for your reviews. I appreciate every single one.**


	13. Chapter 13

The night seemed to stretch on forever. Olivia lay beside Alex, holding her, feeling the blonde shift restlessly in her arms. Alex's body tensed at every unfamiliar sound and every time someone entered the room, and she refused the sedative offered by one of the nurses. They remained like that until the light of morning crept through the curtains and Alex rolled over, freeing herself from Olivia's arms. "Liv, I'm going to tell the nurses I'm ready to go."

Olivia reached out to feel Alex's forehead. The fever had gone steadily down throughout the night, and Alex's skin was only a little bit warm. "Okay," she said, pulling herself into a sitting position and wincing at the pain in her back after lying on the hard mattress for the past few hours. "Do you want me to come with you?"

Alex shook her head and got out of bed. She returned a few minutes later with one of the nurses, who said that Alex was ready to be discharged, but that it would be best for her not to be by herself for the next couple of days, just in case the fever returned. "Does she have anyone who can stay with her, Detective?" the nurse asked.

"I can stay by myself," Alex said.

"Ms. Cabot, that isn't advisable –"

"I'll stay with her," Olivia said, giving Alex a hard stare.

"Liv –"

Olivia turned to the nurse. "Are there any forms we'll need to fill out?"

"It's already been taken care of." The nurse smiled at Alex. "You're ready to go, then. Make sure to call your doctor if your temperature goes above 102, and come back here if it goes above 104."

"Thank you," Alex said.

The nurse smiled again. "You have a good one."

"You, too." When the nurse had left, Alex turned to Olivia. "Olivia, thank you for staying, but I really don't need you to babysit me."

"I know, and I really don't want to babysit you either. But I do want to keep you company."

Alex sighed. "I appreciate you staying with me. Really, I do. But I can take care of myself."

"I know you can," Olivia said softly. "But you don't have to."

"Olivia, I don't want this to change anything."

"It doesn't have to. I – I care about you, Alex. A lot. Please, let me stay with you."

Alex sighed again. "Will Cragen let you take the time off?"

"I've got about a month's worth of personal days. Don't worry about it."

Finally, Alex nodded. "Fine, you can stay with me if you really want to, but on one condition."

"What's that?"

"You let me take you out for dinner on Saturday."

Olivia smiled in spite of herself. "You drive a hard bargain, Counsellor."

"Thank you. I try."

They left the hospital together and walked back to Alex's apartment. Olivia bit back her comment about how she never would have imagined Alex living in such a building and instead held the door open for her without a word, which made Alex smile. They mounted the stairs in silence, and when they got to Alex's apartment, Alex offered to make Olivia a cup of coffee. Olivia waved away the suggestion. "I'll make it myself. You go sit down on the couch and relax." When Alex started to protest, Olivia held up a hand to forestall any argument. "You're still not 100%, Alex. You lie down. I'll be there in a couple of minutes."

She went into Alex's kitchen, familiarizing herself with where things were, and fixed a cup of coffee for herself and a cup of tea for Alex. She brought both mugs out to the living room, where Alex was sprawled on the couch with her eyes closed, and handed Alex one of the mugs. Alex thanked her and set the mug down on the coffee table, and the two sat quietly for several moments.

Finally, Alex broke the silence. "You know, Liv, when I was really little, every Saturday morning I would go into my parents' room and I would climb into their bed with them, and my dad would put on a movie, and we would all just stay like that. Those are the best memories. My favorite was _Charlotte's Web_. I would ask my dad to put it on almost every week, but my mother limited it to only once a month. I had the whole thing memorized." Alex smiled. "I would recite the words along with the characters." She looked at Olivia. "Do you have any memories like that?"

Olivia sighed. "Not really." She hesitated for a moment. She wasn't used to talking about her childhood with anyone, even (or especially) Alex, but if she wanted Alex to open up to her, it was only fair to do the same. "It was just my mom and me, you know, and my mom – she drank. A lot."

"I'm sorry," Alex said.

Olivia shrugged. "It wasn't all bad. She read to me a lot. She was an English professor, so there were always books around."

"What did she read to you?"

"Everything. Sometimes stuff she was going over with her students – I was the only eight-year-old in my class who knew Chaucer and _Beowulf _and Shakespeare."

Alex smiled. "When did you decide you wanted to become a detective?"

"I think I knew ever since I was little that I wanted to be a police officer. To help people."

"That sounds so noble."

"Yeah, sort of. It just seemed like a natural path for me. What about you? I know your dad wanted you to go into law, but why did you want to do sex crimes? The tough stuff."

Alex looked away. "I guess like you, to help people."

Olivia caught her eye again and smiled. "Well, I'm glad we both did, right?"

Alex couldn't help but smile back, and she reached out to take Olivia's hand. "Right."

**First of all, everyone, I am so sorry for my prolonged absence. I have been super busy with school and university applications and all that…but it's all done now, and I've graduated, so hopefully I'll have lots more time to write...until September, that is. Anyway, I know this chapter's short and sort of filler-ish, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Thanks to everyone who's been reading and who's stuck with me for this long, and thanks to **_**Delene, Liv-x-Case-Benson, Alex Beckett, MillaMayhem, ladybugsmomma, Bkwrmchar, McJoJo, AIOILove, Kikilia14, peterpeter, DustyMonkey, mtblmm, batpiggy, Ockham's razor, , **_**and **_**tummer22 **_**for your reviews. I appreciate every last one.**


	14. Chapter 14

They sat on the couch in a comfortable silence for several moments, simply looking into each other's eyes and drinking each other in. Then Olivia said hesitantly, "Alex?"

"Yes?"

"Have you – have you ever done this before?"

"What do you mean?"

Olivia's breath caught, and she was quiet for a moment, groping for the right words. Finally, she settled on, "The way I feel about you – the way I care about you – I hope I'm not presuming that you feel something for me, too –"

"No, of course not, Liv," Alex said softly. "I – I care about you, too. More than I've ever cared about anyone, I think." Then she blushed, ducking her head and averting her gaze from Olivia's.

Olivia waited until Alex looked up again, and then she smiled, trying to convey the tenderness and the – the _love _she felt for Alex in her eyes, praying that Alex would see it, even without her saying the words. "So have you ever done this before?" She was careful to keep her tone gentle, unassuming. "With another woman, I mean."

Alex nodded slowly. "Have you?"

"Yes. When I was twelve, I had the biggest crush on my English teacher. The good news was that I was well-versed in all of our seventh grade English texts, so I was totally her pet. The bad news was that she was married. To a man, of course. Go figure." Olivia smiled shyly. "I used to stay in classroom at recess to help her stack the chairs or sweep the floors instead of going outside. I would make up excuses to stay after school with her. I took on every extra credit project I could. I just wanted to be near her. All the time."

"Did she know you had a crush on her?" Alex asked, a smile playing around the corners of her lips.

"She must have. I wasn't exactly subtle. But she never changed the way she acted around me or anything, which I guess in hindsight, I'm grateful for. Having her bring it up would have been mortifying. I'd never felt that way about anyone before and I didn't even know that it had a name, that I wasn't the only one in the world who felt like this. It was actually kind of cute – I mean, it would have been if it hadn't been so pathetic."

Alex chuckled. "I can just imagine."

"So what about your first crush, Counsellor? I bet you can't top my tale."

"There was only one," Alex said. "Emily. I was fifteen. She was in my science class. She had the most beautiful hair, longer than anyone's I had ever met. I didn't know hair could even grow that long. It went down to the back of her knees. I always wanted to touch it – I sat behind her and my fingers would literally be itching to reach out and run my fingers through it, just to see what it felt like. I had to fold my hands in my lap so I wouldn't.

"We became friends, through an unlikely set of circumstances. She wasn't gay, but neither was I, so we had a sort of relationship non-relationship. I would sit on her bed with her and brush her hair – it was so soft. We would talk, mostly – she was really wonderful to talk to. She was such a good listener. She was kind, too, like you are. She was so good with Adam, and Katherine, until…" Alex trailed off.

And suddenly the moment was lost. Alex curled into herself, physically retreating from Olivia, and avoided the detective's gaze.

Olivia waited a beat, then reached out her hand, hesitantly, giving Alex the option to take it or ignore it. "I'm sorry," she offered.

Alex shook her head, pulling her knees to her chest. "It was my fault," she whispered, her voice so soft and full of pain that Olivia thought her own heart might break.

"What was your fault, darling?" Olivia asked after a moment, when it became clear that Alex wasn't going to continue without prodding. In the back of her mind, she wondered if she really wanted to know.

"I – I don't know what happened to her. What he said – if she ended up – her parents didn't know, and that was bad enough – but the things he said – she could have gotten into so much trouble. And it was my fault, because I was too weak, and I couldn't stop it. I wasn't strong enough. I loved her, Liv. I mean, as much as a fifteen-year-old in love with the idea of love can love anyone, obviously – but I hurt her. I couldn't protect her."

"Alex," Olivia said slowly, even though she had no idea what Alex was talking about and wasn't entirely sure whether or not this was the right thing to say, "it's not your fault if you didn't protect her. You didn't mean to let her get hurt."

Alex shook her head. "I knew better. It wasn't safe; it wasn't right. I should have closed the door. I should have made sure Katherine was gone. I should have made sure – I was reckless. Careless. Not thinking clearly. And we both paid the price."

Olivia laid a hand on Alex's shoulder. Alex flinched away from the touch, but when Olivia didn't remove her hand, she finally glanced up at Olivia, and seeing only compassion in her eyes, she inched closer to the detective, leaning into her. Hardly daring to breathe at Alex's close proximity, Olivia began to rub tentative circles into her back. She inhaled the subtle scent of Alex's vanilla shampoo and couldn't help the smile that tugged at her lips at the intimacy, both physical and emotional, that she was currently experiencing with Alex. She had never been so close to the blonde before yesterday, and Alex had never spoken so openly to her. Olivia found herself hoping for a million more moments just like this one.

But she knew that this wasn't about her. It was about Alex, the pain that Alex had experienced and the story she needed to tell. So Olivia listened.

"She knew, Liv," Alex finally whispered. "She knew everything. I never told her, but she saw. Once. She knew. And she still loved me. She still put herself in that position – and I betrayed her." She looked up, unshed tears glistening in her eyes, before completing her thought. "And Olivia, I could do the same to you."

**Sorry again for my absence, but yay, more of Alex's backstory! Thanks to _DeLene_, _mariskalover12, McJoJo, peterpeter, Liv-x-Case-Benson, Eljh55, Alex Beckett, Kikilia14, Bkwrmchar, ladybugsmomma, _and all my anons for your reviews. I'm so glad you're all still reading and enjoying and haven't given up on this story! **

**BTW, I got early acceptance letters from three universities, so yay for me! Just waiting for two more. **


	15. Chapter 15

Olivia grasped Alex's hand tightly. Alex's skin was icy to the touch, but soft and smooth like a child's hand. "Sweetheart," she said with as much firmness as she could muster, "I don't believe that for a second. You could never hurt me. I know you. And I know that you didn't hurt Emily either."

Alex shook her head. "I didn't _mean_ to, but one time – I guess I'd forgotten that I'd invited her over, or maybe I hadn't, but she – she found me, on my knees, and she saw, and she just _looked_ at me, and I thought it was over between us, but she promised me she wouldn't tell – Oh, my god." Alex pulled away from Olivia and clamped her hands over her mouth, her eyes wide. "I wasn't supposed to tell you this, I wasn't, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry –"

Olivia's stomach turned and she felt bile rising in her throat. This was all wrong. Something like this wasn't supposed to happen to Alex, not _her_ Alex, the woman she loved. She was pretty sure about what Alex was talking about, and pretty sure that she didn't want to hear it, but she needed Alex to tell her, to confirm or deny the fears that were pounding in her head. She reached out again to take Alex's hands and held them in her own, meeting Alex's gaze and holding it squarely. "Alex," she said softly, "I need you to tell me what happened."

Alex shook her head. "I – I can't –"

"You can, sweetie. You can. Just tell me. Please. I need to hear it." Olivia's voice cracked as she spoke, and although her brain was screaming that she absolutely did not want to hear what Alex had to say, her detective instincts were firing and she knew that she had to know.

Alex's body was trembling and her teeth were chattering. Her skin had turned completely ashen and her breathing was shallow. "I've n-never t-told anyone," Alex whispered.

Olivia kept her eyes fixed on Alex's. "Alex, do you trust me?"

Alex paused for a moment, then slowly nodded her head.

Olivia gave her hands a squeeze. "Then trust me."

The silence stretched on for minutes before Alex finally spoke. "I – I was on my knees. Pleasuring him. He made me – for so long – and Emily saw, and I knew, I just knew she was going to tell. She just – she watched me for a minute, and then she ran out of there – he didn't see her, thank goodness, but I was so ashamed, I stayed home from school for a week, throwing up. I couldn't see her. And when I finally did, I made her promise she wouldn't say anything. She said she wouldn't, and she didn't, but that secret – things weren't the same. She was part of it, and I know it weighed on her, and in the end –" She stopped abruptly. "That's all."

"Who was he, Alex?" Olivia asked, still looking into her eyes.

Alex straightened her spine and tried to pull her hands out of Olivia's. "I am _not _one of your victims, Olivia –"

Olivia held tightly to Alex's hands so she couldn't get away. "No, you're not," she said quietly. "You're my love."

And suddenly, both women were silent, holding their breaths. Olivia knew that this was absolutely the wrong time to bring something like that up, not after what Alex had just told her, not when Alex was in such a vulnerable state. And yet the words had just slipped out of her, and there was no way to take them back now. She only hoped that Alex would take her words at face value, and believe them, and accept them, and hopefully return them.

Finally, Alex spoke. "Do you?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

Olivia just nodded.

Alex sighed, and suddenly she looked much older than her years. The weariness on her face was that of a much older woman who has seen the world and knows that it is not a kind place. "Olivia, you don't know what I've done."

"Then tell me," Olivia said gently. "But know that nothing that you can tell me, nothing you can ever do, will ever change the way I feel about you. Absolutely nothing, Alexandra Cabot. I – I love you. More than you could ever know."

Alex sighed again. "I think you should go now, Olivia," she said with as much authority as she could muster.

"Alex, no – you're still not 100% and I –"

"Olivia, please," Alex said softly. "I just need to be by myself for a little while."

Olivia's eyes filled with tears. All she wanted right now was to hold Alex in her arms and just be near her, to reassure both of them that nothing could ever hurt Alex like this again. She wanted to comfort Alex, and to comfort herself with Alex's presence. But clearly, Alex had different plans. "Okay," she finally said, hoping Alex couldn't hear the tremor in her voice. "I'll go if you want me to. I don't – I don't want to impose." She released Alex's hands and bowed her head in acquiescence to the blonde's wishes, although she still did not get up from the couch, unable to force herself to put any more distance between them.

"Thank you," Alex whispered, and when Olivia looked up, she saw that Alex had moved away from her, curling into the arm of the couch.

Olivia felt an ache in her chest, and although she desperately wanted to pull Alex into her arms and hold her tightly, she refrained. She managed to get to her feet, though her legs shook slightly, and pressed a soft kiss to Alex's forehead. Alex stiffened at the contact, and Olivia's stomach clenched.

"You'll – you'll call me?" she asked quietly.

Alex nodded slightly.

Olivia walked to the door, her head hanging. A lone tear made its way down her cheek. "I love you," she whispered, too softly for Alex to hear, as she shrugged on her coat and walked out of Alex's apartment.

**_Thanks to DeLene, Kikilia14, ladybugsmomms, peterpeter, Bkwrmchar, Liv-x-Case-Benson, and my anons for your reviews. Thanks to everyone who's still reading and hasn't given up on this story!_**


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